Illustration: Igor Bastidas/The Guardian
Daniella doesn’t want to go to bed early. Seamus says she shouldn’t offer the sofabed if she doesn’t want guests. Who has room for improvement?
Find out how to get a disagreement settled or become a juror
The prosecution: Daniella
double quotation mark It’s not that I don’t want him here, but he needs to understand that I am giving up my space to host him
My younger brother Seamus is staying with me in my flat for six weeks. He’s a teacher and lived with me for a bit last year, before moving to Dubai.
When he lived with me before, we split the bills and mortgage, which was a great help as I was in a tricky spot as a freelancer. He needed somewhere to live after our parents sold their house, so I turned my living room into a bedroom for him.
After he moved out, I used it as a living room again. Now, he’s come back to see friends and family. I bought a sofabed for his stay, which set me back £400. While I like having him here, there has been some tension.
Seamus immediately started changing things around in the flat. He turned up the temperature in the shower and I burned myself. He moved the chopping boards back to where he used to store them. He took the spare keys I was using, so I got locked out.
I like going to bed around midnight, but Seamus wants to go to sleep at 10.30. On the first night, he asked to go to bed at 9.55pm, which meant I had to leave the room and stop the show I was watching. I kicked off. He said: “I’m tired and deserve my own space too.” But it’s not really his room any more. And he wasn’t fresh off the plane – he’d been staying with friends.
It’s not that I don’t want him here, but he needs to understand that I am giving up my space to host him. I do appreciate Seamus helping out around the flat when he’s staying with me. He waters my flowers and does odd jobs. He’s not messy, but I have to ask him to pack away the sofabed every morning so I can use the room in the evenings.
He’s no longer a lodger, but he’s not quite a guest either. I don’t feel it’s fair to ask him for a financial contribution, but I wouldn’t say no if he offered. He has no bills or outgoings and his rent abroad is paid for.
Going back to living with someone 24/7 is a big adjustment. I’m single, and I’d started to enjoy spending time on my own. Am I being selfish or is my irritation reasonable?
The defence: Seamus
double quotation mark If you say someone can be a guest in your home, you can’t take it back when it doesn’t suit you
I need somewhere to stay when I’m back and I’d rather stay with my sister than our parents, who have moved to the country. I think Daniella was a bit put out because I originally said I would move between the two homes, but it’s easier for me to stay in one place.
I understand she is giving up her living room, so I make sure I leave it as I found it and put away the sheets and sofabed every morning. I’ve tried to make myself useful around the flat. I have cooked, bought food and done the gardening. I’ve bought things too – for example, I put up some shelves.
I guess she wouldn’t be stressed if things were less tight for her financially, and as I don’t have any outgoings or bills I understand why she might appreciate a contribution. I don’t mind chipping in towards the bills, but she hasn’t said how much she wants.
Last year, moving in made sense for both of us: I didn’t have anywhere to go and she needed a flatmate to help pay the bills. I paid about £900, which was just under half of her monthly outgoings of £1,875 for her mortgage and bills.
I didn’t mean to change things when I came back. I adjusted the water settings on the shower because I prefer it hot, then forgot to turn it back down – it was accidental. As for moving the chopping boards, I didn’t even think about it. How was I to know she had moved things about since the last time I was here?
When she got upset with me for kicking her out of her living room so I could go to sleep, I was confused because she had said the room was mine during my stay. She either wants me here or she doesn’t. If you say someone can be a guest in your home, you can’t take it back when it doesn’t suit you.
I have adjusted my bedtime to around 11pm, which works better. And Daniella has said that if she wants to watch something that goes on later, she will give me advance notice. I think that will help us live harmoniously for the next six weeks.
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The jury of Guardian readers
If Seamus wants his own space, he should pay for somewhere else to stay. Letting Daniella watch her TV shows is a small price to pay for free accommodation. He should make the effort to fit around her lifestyle – including finding out where the chopping boards live!
Phoebe, 24
Seamus needs to work on his communication. Even if he previously lived there, he doesn’t any more and should act accordingly. Changing the shower settings and taking keys without saying is a massive overstep. However, Daniella should compromise on the early bedtime.
Aleah, 30
Staying in someone’s home, even as a family member, is a privilege. It’s their home, not yours. The 11pm compromise sounds reasonable if you have different sleeping patterns. It’s fair for Daniella to be paid rent (discuss it together) and for Seamus not to change things around.
Maggie, 59
Daniella needs to remember that a kind gesture cannot be given with strings attached. Seamus asking for his own space in the evening is reasonable, and he’s doing what he can to be a good guest. Assuming Daniella’s shows are on a streaming service, she could always watch them on a different device.
Ellie, 29
Daniella has kindly welcomed her brother into her home, but it seems no discussion has been had about her expectations. Six weeks is a long time to have a guest, so it’s important they have their own space and set boundaries.
Saeid, 38
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Seamus stop lounging around?
The poll closes on Wednesday 5 August at 9am BST
Last week’s results
We asked if Fay should stop queuing for hours to get a good spot at concerts
23% of you said yes – Fay is guilty
77% of you said no – Fay is not guilty
