Illustration: Alex Mellon/The Guardian
Your friend gave you little choice but to end your relationship. You were right to prioritise your own wellbeing
I had a friend who I always felt on edge around, but I tried to push past that and give them an opportunity. They had experienced childhood trauma and had mental health issues. I put my discomfort down to having to be a bit more accommodating**.**
They seemed incapable of maintaining friendships and would paint themselves as a victim, saying they constantly get ghosted**.**
Not long ago I was on the receiving end of an outburst for the first time. They had gone through a couple of stressful situations and I tried to be there for them**. A** year later I had other priorities and stresses that meant I had to focus on my own life. They then snapped at me and dismissed what I had going on and threw a tantrum. When they realised they were in the wrong, they said it was due to their trauma and mental health issues**.**
I reflected on the relationship and felt a fool for going along with it when my gut was always telling me something was up. I accepted their apology and slowly stopped replying as frequently to messages, hoping they’d get the hint, but eventually I had to ghost them. I feel bad but at the same time feel as if a weight has been lifted**. How do I move on from this feeling?**
I wonder when we started calling “having enough of someone” “ghosting”. It shifts emphasis entirely to the person doing it rather than the reason for it. I think you feel bad because you are sensitive. But just as we wouldn’t continually put ourselves in situations that harmed us, we should be wary of people that do the same.
UKCP-accredited psychotherapist Noel Bell thought you were “very self-aware and emotionally honest to reflect on that ‘on-edge feeling’ and to acknowledge it for what it really was. When we experience such a strong negative somatic reaction to someone, that could be our intuition trying to tell us something. Could it be that your empathy and compassion ended up overriding your worries? Compassionate people can often confuse healthy concern for others with tolerating toxic behaviour.”
I feel for your friend and anyone who has had childhood trauma and mental health issues, but as adults we do have to take responsibility for our behaviour. “Having issues,” says Bell, “does not allow people a free pass to mistreat or abuse others. When your friend said that their outburst was ‘not personal’ they were trying to erase the impact of their actions on you.”
I think you gave this friend a really good chance but, explains Bell: “Remember that a friendship effectively becomes an unsustainable caretaking role when one person is required to neglect their own emotional needs, life priorities and wellbeing just to keep the other person stable.”
Bell felt – and I agree – that you had no other option but to walk away. “Ultimately,” he said, “you ghosted them because the compassionate approach had failed.”
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Anger is a healthy emotion. We often think of it as a failing, but it’s there to tell us a boundary has been crossed. It is, says Bell, “a sign of a healthy self-esteem. It is the resilient part of you that recognises you were treated unfairly and says ‘I deserve better’.”
“You didn’t leave the friendship out of cruelty,” Bell wants you to remember, “but out of exhaustion. Choosing your own peace of mind over someone else’s emotional demands is not selfish, it’s self-care.”
Think: “What else could I have practically done?” Once you realise the answer is “nothing without sacrificing my own mental health”, I think you’ll find more peace.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com__. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions__. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here__.
