Illustration: Ryan Gillett/The Guardian
How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously
Helen, 71
double quotation mark I’ve discovered I like to be spanked – my orgasms have become much stronger
Ian was dating my best friend, Susan, when we met 15 years ago. She invited me around to his house for dinner, and when he opened the door, I thought: oh my god, he’s cute. After they broke up 10 months in and she started seeing someone else, I asked for his contact details and we went on a date. When I called Susan to tell her I was in love, she was totally silent. It was her or Ian. I chose him. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Ian is much more sexual than I am: his love language is physical touch, while mine is quality time. I just don’t think about sex as much as he does. Him wanting to do it more than I do has caused tension, but it wasn’t something we spoke about. Then five years ago,while on a road trip, we put on the podcastSex With Emily to pass the time. I’d never heard anyone talk about sex like that before.After that, we’d listen to a sex podcast, pause and discuss it, and now we have a dialogue about sex, which has made intimacy so much better. I’ve become more curious and adventurous: I’ve discovered I like to be spanked, and my orgasms have become much stronger because I’m more relaxed.
We also plan sex now – about twice a week – which gives me time to get in the mood. But I need quality time first: if we’ve been talking and feeling close, I’m more likely to want sex. Ian is the opposite – he needs sex to feel close.
Ian has a pass to have sex with men, although he’s rarely used it. Sex doesn’t threaten me, but emotional intimacy does.Ian makes me feel safe and desired, sometimes too much. He’ll pinch my bum in the supermarket or kiss my neck while I’m cooking, and I’ve learned that’s his way of showing affection, not necessarily trying to initiate sex.
Because we met in our 50s and our children are grown up, we can focus on being partners to each other. There’s more space and time for exploration. We get to wake up and say: what are we doing today? Let’s make love later. Who cares what we do! We call them “snow days” – where we just hang out and do whatever we want.
Ian, 74
double quotation mark I blurted out that I wanted to explore my fantasy of having sex with men
I’d make love to Helen every day, and twice on Sundays if I could. I’d start and end the day with sex. It’s our glue. But while I use sex to feel close, I’ve learned over time that feeling close has to come first for Helen, so I try to give her what she needs by going to the dog park, grocery shopping, spending time together – it’s like foreplay.
If we don’t have sex for a week, I miss the closeness and start to feel defensive and push Helen away. I start to ask myself: why haven’t we had sex? Did we get in a fight? Is one of us sick? But I’ve learned not to take it personally.Fortunately, we rarely go longer than a week.
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A few years ago, I blurted out that I wanted to exploremy fantasy ofhaving sex with men. Helen is OK with it because it doesn’t make her feel threatened. It’s only happened twice in the last five years, but I feel lucky that we have the kind of relationship where if one of us really wants to try something, we can. We also have a guest room that we call our playground and we’ve explored some kink.
When I first met Helen, I thought she was this shiny, bright thing; so light and fun – the total opposite of my ex, who was negative and controlling. I fall more in love with Helen every day. She’s got a great body – she’s 71 but looks 51 – but it’s the way she is with people that really turns me on.
Sex has always been validation to me, and it still is, but not to the same degree. I still think about sex all the time, but since I’ve gotten older, I’m a lot calmer about it. Now my body doesn’t respond the way it used to, I’m more patient and sex is no longer so goal-oriented. Now we have more time and fewer stressors, our intimacy has grown.
Names have been changed
